13. Letting Go

At 05.30am on April 21st 2020, about 9 hours after I had spoken to mum, I received a call from the nursing home saying that she had just passed away. She had difficulty breathing and as they did not have oxygen at the nursing home, they called an ambulance, but it was too late.

Mum had already discussed her funeral arrangements earlier in the year and had secured a plot at the Garden of Peace cemetry. I called them to inform them that they needed to pick up her body from the nursing home, but they required the paperwork to be done. I had heard of some people having to wait 30 days for a burial. I managed to get all the paperwork sorted and mum’s body was taken to the mortuary due for burial on April 23rd. COVID regulations meant that only 5 of us could be at the funeral so I had selected 4 others to attend who were both willing and able to do so. It was a beautiful sunny day and I got to see her face before the burial. One of the attendees had suggested I see her face as I hadn’t seen mum for a month, and it would help with the healing process. She looked peaceful and, in some ways, I felt a sense of relief for her and for me.

After the funeral I had all the paperwork to deal with. We were still in lockdown, and I was not able to clear out mum’s apartment so needed to rent it for another month. During the latter part of the month, the government relaxed the rules marginally and stated that estate agents could provide viewings of properties so my husband and I, along with a friend went to mum’s apartment and categorised all her furniture and things; give way or dispose. Within a week we managed with the help of different friends and the night carer to get rid of everything. Most of her things went to families in need and the rest were given to friends who wanted something of mums to remember her by and some of the stuff came back to my apartment.

What started as a lonely experience, ended as a lonely experience…

Whilst I had the help and support of my husband, special friends and the night carer, it is an experience that I would not like somebody to go through alone. I believe the experience of loneliness was further exacerbated by COVID and the restrictions imposed on us. It made it harder to share the 'letting go' process.  There is a saying that ‘what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’. I’m not sure I believe it. Have I become stronger? I’m not sure. It’s strange being the ‘last person standing’ as they say. There are elements of mum in everything that I do and think more so than my dad and sister and I do miss her despite our challenges.

Following her passing, I decided to visit the National COVID Memorial Wall and write a message on the wall. It is a practice I maintain every year on her death anniversary as it brings me more comfort than standing at her grave.   Whilst mum's journey on this plane has ended, mine has started a new chapter.  However, I could not have faced the entire journey without the help, understanding, love and compassion of my dear husband, his family, his children and some special friends both locally and globally and I will always be grateful to them all.  

13. Letting Go